Halloween!!

Do you remember when Halloween was all about dressing up your adorable toddler into a costume that caused people to ooohhh and aaahhh over them while said toddler spent the whole night trying to rip the darn thing off? I do!!

But if you are the parent of a teen girl you may look at Halloween as a real nightmare. It seems like the movie Mean Girls said it best: Halloween is just an excuse for girls to wear lingere in public.

When I was at the costume shop this week looking for costume ideas for my boys, over and over I noticed that all the girl costumes had the word "sexy" in the title. Sexy Witch, Sexy Fairy, Sexy Nurse...you name it! Halloween can be a fun time to dress up and be someone else for a night, but I think we need to remind our daughters that just like Cinderella, after the ball is over, we are back to normal. We need to remind them that they shouldn't wear or do anything in costume that they won't want to live down on Monday morning.

It's normal to feel more free and unencumbered when we put on a mask or pretend to be someone else, but there can be a danger in that freedom as well. So make sure that you see your daughter's costume, or have a hand in helping her design it. And be sure and talk with her about what is acceptable behavior and what your expectations are of her.

Our kids want and need our boundaries, they feel loved and safe when they are given limits, so step up and draw the line for them.

Then take a deep breath, send them out the door and make sure you're stocked up on candy to appease all the little monsters knocking on your door.

Aren't you glad Halloween is only once a year?

Wait, what did he just sing?

Listen to the radio much lately? If you said yes, then you might be like me, looking quizzically towards your stereo thinking “I couldn’t possibly have just heard that...on the RADIO!”

It seems to me sometimes that our line of what is appropriate for public consumption keeps slipping. In the past you had to go and show your id in order to buy the CD’s with the questionable lyrics, but now they are on the radio for all to hear and be offended by.

And I’m not just talking about swear words, I mean all the lyrics about sex and drugs and drinking. Just listen to a Lady Gaga or Katy Perry song if you’re not sure what I’m talking about.

Now, I’m not a prude when it comes to music. I actually like Lady Gaga’s songs (….cough, don’t tell anyone!). But I think there is a level of what is appropriate for our kids to be listening to.

My son was in football this summer and for half time the cheerleaders would do a dance routine to Katy Perry’s California Gurrls. Keep in mind that these girls are in junior high. Now do you think it’s okay for them to be dancing to lyrics such as: ...sippin’ gin and juice...or... sex on the beach, we don’t like sand in our stilettos…?

Sorry, but can’t they find a song that isn’t about drinking and having sex? Maybe I am just too old fashioned. What do you think? Are we sexing up our kids with these songs, or is it okay? Leave a comment and let me know what you think.

Cell Phone or no Cell Phone...That is the Question.

If you are my age or older, cell phones are a fairly recent occurrence in your life. I didn’t have a cell phone until I had my second child. Then it was simply a safety device to keep with me in case my car broke down.

I only recently even started texting. Cell phones have changed from big and clunky things that only investment bankers carried to smaller than a deck of cards and something everyone over the age of ten seems to have.

We use our cell phones for everything now, from finding out movie times to emailing. In fact the calling part seems incidental to the phone.

My husband and I had decided that we would not allow our sons to have cell phones until they were old enough to have a job and pay for it themselves. We stood firm by this decision for years of whining and pleading and “but everyone in my class has one!” We did not relent. Last year my oldest even wrote us a letter outlining all the reasons why it was a smart thing for him to have a cell phone. We patted him on the head and said “good effort, but no.”

But this spring he called us both into the living room and had us watch the power point presentation he had created on why he should have one. We told him no, then talked without him around to see if we were being unrealistic.

In thinking through the situation we decided that he had brought up some valid reasons as to why a cell phone would be a good idea. And we also talked about how it is a different world now than from when we were teens.

This is not to say that every parent should run out and get their junior high student a cell phone. It is totally a personal decision based on your individual family needs whether or not your child should have one. But if you do bite the bullet and get a cell for your “tween”, here are some good guidelines for managing the situation.

When we gave our son his phone we told him that the phone was not his. It was ours and we were being kind enough to let him use it. We have limits on when he can call (absolutely not during school, dinner time, church, or after 9:00 pm). He has limited minutes for calling, but unlimited texting, so we encourage him to text only and use the house phone for talking. And he can lose the cell phone for any length of time depending on grades and behavior.

We also do not allow him to delete any of his texts. When his inbox gets full he brings it to me and I peruse the texts and delete them for him. I tell him that he should not ever text anything that he wouldn’t be comfortable with me reading. Which is a pretty good rule of thumb.

So far it’s working out well. Some parents might think that going through their child’s texts is an invasion of privacy, but I feel that if you let them know up front, then there is not an issue of spying.

In looking through my son’s texts I have learned a lot about his relationships that he might not have otherwise told me. Then I can bring it up so we can talk about it.

The truth is that if we don’t monitor our children’s online interactions we might be missing out on important issues that need to be discussed.

Remember, you are the parent. You are in control.

Group Dating

My oldest son just started junior high this year and a couple of Saturdays ago he nearly stopped my heart when he said, “Mom? I need to talk to you about something.”

I plastered on my “calm face” and said “Sure honey,” while inside my mind was racing trying to figure out what he might need to say. Was it drugs? Sex? Alcohol? Bullying? What?! Luckily, I dismissed most of those out of hand, and was rewarded when all my son really wanted was to know if he could go to the movies with a group of friends. Of course, when I asked who was going he casually mentioned the name of the girl he has been interested in. I know this because I routinely ask him if there is anyone at school that he likes.

I’m not going to lie, my first reaction was “NO!” I mean, he’s my baby! And he wants to go out with some girl?

Fortunately my husband was able to talk me down and we decided that going to the movies with a group of friends is a great, low pressure way for him to get to know this girl. We talked about the movie choice and what we expected his behavior to be. I also talked to him about boundaries and he suggested that his boundary be holding hands.

He had a great time and I felt good about giving him the space and the information to be able to make healthy choices for himself.

Although he did say the movie wasn’t very good, but they can’t all be gems!

PDA...isn't that a phone or something?

I’m sure you’ve been there, in a restaurant, or a grocery store and there they are. You want to shout at them to get a room and quit groping each other in public, but instead you just glare disapprovingly and move on.

Public Displays of Affection, better known in the schools as PDA’s are a big part of teen lives. And the line of what is acceptable and what isn’t seems to move depending on location and who is around.

So should parents have a role in deciding what is appropriate behavior for their teens in public places? Seems like a trick question, right? But unfortunately most parents count on schools and businesses addressing this topic so they never weigh in.

I feel that it is important to read through your student’s school handbook and find the chapter on PDA’s then sit down and have a talk with your child. Find out how they feel about seeing fellow students kiss, or hug, or even cuddle in school. Do they feel it’s appropriate? Does it make them uncomfortable? You might be surprised at their answers. Suggest to them that if they would be uncomfortable watching the behavior, or having you watch the behavior, then it probably isn’t appropriate.

We as parents need to take back our authority and stop assuming that our schools and teachers will address all these sensitive subjects. They will address them, but are they saying the same thing that you would, or is the message very different?

If you would like help on how to talk to your teen, sign up for a parent workshop

@ www.FbxStepUpNow.com or call us at 452-SUN1

We currently have two workshops scheduled for September 25th at 10:00am and 2:00pm.

Los 1

Last year I went to the first ever Escape conference in Anchorage. I was sitting in the cafeteria the first evening with Liana Fuentes, who was instrumental in the planning of the conference when this man with unusually large hair sat down next to us. He was very soft spoken and seemingly quiet, but I noticed that teens kept coming up to him and asking for autographs. I quickly realized that he was the singer/speaker who was going to be performing throughout the conference.

Now, normally I’m not much of a hip-hop fan, I was in high school, but moved away from that style as I got older, but I found myself singing along and cheering for a man who had the courage to write songs that tell the truth. Los 1’s lyrics speak to teens about the realities of having sex outside of marriage, about the lies the media tell us, and about how to be honorable young men and women.

This year he came back to Alaska for the second annual Escape conference and won the teens over again.

I found myself marveling at his patience with all of the kids who clamored for his attention, and how involved he was. Many national speakers would show up for their performance and then disappear for everything else, but Los 1 was just as involved as everyone else there, if not more so.

I have been very lucky to have met and worked with such wonderful speakers and performers as we have had at the Escape Conferences.

If you are interested in hearing some of the songs from Los 1’s Life Skills CD you can visit his website at www.los1.com or go to his MySpace page at www.myspace.com/los1music

Check it out!

Rick and Barb Wise

Two years in a row now I have had the privilege of listening to Rick and Barb Wise speak at the Escape Conference, and no matter how many times I hear their story, I am still moved to tears. I won’t go too into detail on their story as I wouldn’t want to spoil it for anyone who might hear them speak in the future, but if you haven’t ever heard of them...look them up!

They are inspirational on so many levels, both to teens and adults. It doesn’t matter what age you are, what they talk about hits home. I found myself nodding and crying and thinking about my own childhood and the pain and struggles I went through and also looking at my husband and our marriage in a new light.

So many times in life we keep repeating the same mistakes over and over out of pain and fear, without even realizing what we are doing. Rick and Barb in talking about their own struggles help the audience to step back and take a hard look at their lives and how they might be contributing to the situation they find themselves in.

Last year was their first visit to Alaska and they fell in love with both the land and the teens. As soon as they went home they began planning for the next year so that they could continue to reach the youth up here. Normally they charge a speaking fee but they offered to come and speak free of charge. That is how dedicated they are to the kids they met here.

Through the whole five day long conference I watched as both Barb and Rick spoke with many of the teens one on one, joked with them, played with them, and cried with them. To see two people who are so dedicated to making the lives of our youth better was truly inspiring for me.

If you are interested in learning more about their story you can go to their web site at www.wise-choices.org.

If you would like to be more involved in making a better future for teens today, visit our website to see how you can help. Whether you are a parent, a teacher, a teen, a coach, or just someone in the community who has a heart to help, you are needed!

www.fbxstepupnow.com