Halloween!!

Do you remember when Halloween was all about dressing up your adorable toddler into a costume that caused people to ooohhh and aaahhh over them while said toddler spent the whole night trying to rip the darn thing off? I do!!

But if you are the parent of a teen girl you may look at Halloween as a real nightmare. It seems like the movie Mean Girls said it best: Halloween is just an excuse for girls to wear lingere in public.

When I was at the costume shop this week looking for costume ideas for my boys, over and over I noticed that all the girl costumes had the word "sexy" in the title. Sexy Witch, Sexy Fairy, Sexy Nurse...you name it! Halloween can be a fun time to dress up and be someone else for a night, but I think we need to remind our daughters that just like Cinderella, after the ball is over, we are back to normal. We need to remind them that they shouldn't wear or do anything in costume that they won't want to live down on Monday morning.

It's normal to feel more free and unencumbered when we put on a mask or pretend to be someone else, but there can be a danger in that freedom as well. So make sure that you see your daughter's costume, or have a hand in helping her design it. And be sure and talk with her about what is acceptable behavior and what your expectations are of her.

Our kids want and need our boundaries, they feel loved and safe when they are given limits, so step up and draw the line for them.

Then take a deep breath, send them out the door and make sure you're stocked up on candy to appease all the little monsters knocking on your door.

Aren't you glad Halloween is only once a year?

Wait, what did he just sing?

Listen to the radio much lately? If you said yes, then you might be like me, looking quizzically towards your stereo thinking “I couldn’t possibly have just heard that...on the RADIO!”

It seems to me sometimes that our line of what is appropriate for public consumption keeps slipping. In the past you had to go and show your id in order to buy the CD’s with the questionable lyrics, but now they are on the radio for all to hear and be offended by.

And I’m not just talking about swear words, I mean all the lyrics about sex and drugs and drinking. Just listen to a Lady Gaga or Katy Perry song if you’re not sure what I’m talking about.

Now, I’m not a prude when it comes to music. I actually like Lady Gaga’s songs (….cough, don’t tell anyone!). But I think there is a level of what is appropriate for our kids to be listening to.

My son was in football this summer and for half time the cheerleaders would do a dance routine to Katy Perry’s California Gurrls. Keep in mind that these girls are in junior high. Now do you think it’s okay for them to be dancing to lyrics such as: ...sippin’ gin and juice...or... sex on the beach, we don’t like sand in our stilettos…?

Sorry, but can’t they find a song that isn’t about drinking and having sex? Maybe I am just too old fashioned. What do you think? Are we sexing up our kids with these songs, or is it okay? Leave a comment and let me know what you think.

Cell Phone or no Cell Phone...That is the Question.

If you are my age or older, cell phones are a fairly recent occurrence in your life. I didn’t have a cell phone until I had my second child. Then it was simply a safety device to keep with me in case my car broke down.

I only recently even started texting. Cell phones have changed from big and clunky things that only investment bankers carried to smaller than a deck of cards and something everyone over the age of ten seems to have.

We use our cell phones for everything now, from finding out movie times to emailing. In fact the calling part seems incidental to the phone.

My husband and I had decided that we would not allow our sons to have cell phones until they were old enough to have a job and pay for it themselves. We stood firm by this decision for years of whining and pleading and “but everyone in my class has one!” We did not relent. Last year my oldest even wrote us a letter outlining all the reasons why it was a smart thing for him to have a cell phone. We patted him on the head and said “good effort, but no.”

But this spring he called us both into the living room and had us watch the power point presentation he had created on why he should have one. We told him no, then talked without him around to see if we were being unrealistic.

In thinking through the situation we decided that he had brought up some valid reasons as to why a cell phone would be a good idea. And we also talked about how it is a different world now than from when we were teens.

This is not to say that every parent should run out and get their junior high student a cell phone. It is totally a personal decision based on your individual family needs whether or not your child should have one. But if you do bite the bullet and get a cell for your “tween”, here are some good guidelines for managing the situation.

When we gave our son his phone we told him that the phone was not his. It was ours and we were being kind enough to let him use it. We have limits on when he can call (absolutely not during school, dinner time, church, or after 9:00 pm). He has limited minutes for calling, but unlimited texting, so we encourage him to text only and use the house phone for talking. And he can lose the cell phone for any length of time depending on grades and behavior.

We also do not allow him to delete any of his texts. When his inbox gets full he brings it to me and I peruse the texts and delete them for him. I tell him that he should not ever text anything that he wouldn’t be comfortable with me reading. Which is a pretty good rule of thumb.

So far it’s working out well. Some parents might think that going through their child’s texts is an invasion of privacy, but I feel that if you let them know up front, then there is not an issue of spying.

In looking through my son’s texts I have learned a lot about his relationships that he might not have otherwise told me. Then I can bring it up so we can talk about it.

The truth is that if we don’t monitor our children’s online interactions we might be missing out on important issues that need to be discussed.

Remember, you are the parent. You are in control.

Group Dating

My oldest son just started junior high this year and a couple of Saturdays ago he nearly stopped my heart when he said, “Mom? I need to talk to you about something.”

I plastered on my “calm face” and said “Sure honey,” while inside my mind was racing trying to figure out what he might need to say. Was it drugs? Sex? Alcohol? Bullying? What?! Luckily, I dismissed most of those out of hand, and was rewarded when all my son really wanted was to know if he could go to the movies with a group of friends. Of course, when I asked who was going he casually mentioned the name of the girl he has been interested in. I know this because I routinely ask him if there is anyone at school that he likes.

I’m not going to lie, my first reaction was “NO!” I mean, he’s my baby! And he wants to go out with some girl?

Fortunately my husband was able to talk me down and we decided that going to the movies with a group of friends is a great, low pressure way for him to get to know this girl. We talked about the movie choice and what we expected his behavior to be. I also talked to him about boundaries and he suggested that his boundary be holding hands.

He had a great time and I felt good about giving him the space and the information to be able to make healthy choices for himself.

Although he did say the movie wasn’t very good, but they can’t all be gems!

PDA...isn't that a phone or something?

I’m sure you’ve been there, in a restaurant, or a grocery store and there they are. You want to shout at them to get a room and quit groping each other in public, but instead you just glare disapprovingly and move on.

Public Displays of Affection, better known in the schools as PDA’s are a big part of teen lives. And the line of what is acceptable and what isn’t seems to move depending on location and who is around.

So should parents have a role in deciding what is appropriate behavior for their teens in public places? Seems like a trick question, right? But unfortunately most parents count on schools and businesses addressing this topic so they never weigh in.

I feel that it is important to read through your student’s school handbook and find the chapter on PDA’s then sit down and have a talk with your child. Find out how they feel about seeing fellow students kiss, or hug, or even cuddle in school. Do they feel it’s appropriate? Does it make them uncomfortable? You might be surprised at their answers. Suggest to them that if they would be uncomfortable watching the behavior, or having you watch the behavior, then it probably isn’t appropriate.

We as parents need to take back our authority and stop assuming that our schools and teachers will address all these sensitive subjects. They will address them, but are they saying the same thing that you would, or is the message very different?

If you would like help on how to talk to your teen, sign up for a parent workshop

@ www.FbxStepUpNow.com or call us at 452-SUN1

We currently have two workshops scheduled for September 25th at 10:00am and 2:00pm.

Los 1

Last year I went to the first ever Escape conference in Anchorage. I was sitting in the cafeteria the first evening with Liana Fuentes, who was instrumental in the planning of the conference when this man with unusually large hair sat down next to us. He was very soft spoken and seemingly quiet, but I noticed that teens kept coming up to him and asking for autographs. I quickly realized that he was the singer/speaker who was going to be performing throughout the conference.

Now, normally I’m not much of a hip-hop fan, I was in high school, but moved away from that style as I got older, but I found myself singing along and cheering for a man who had the courage to write songs that tell the truth. Los 1’s lyrics speak to teens about the realities of having sex outside of marriage, about the lies the media tell us, and about how to be honorable young men and women.

This year he came back to Alaska for the second annual Escape conference and won the teens over again.

I found myself marveling at his patience with all of the kids who clamored for his attention, and how involved he was. Many national speakers would show up for their performance and then disappear for everything else, but Los 1 was just as involved as everyone else there, if not more so.

I have been very lucky to have met and worked with such wonderful speakers and performers as we have had at the Escape Conferences.

If you are interested in hearing some of the songs from Los 1’s Life Skills CD you can visit his website at www.los1.com or go to his MySpace page at www.myspace.com/los1music

Check it out!

Rick and Barb Wise

Two years in a row now I have had the privilege of listening to Rick and Barb Wise speak at the Escape Conference, and no matter how many times I hear their story, I am still moved to tears. I won’t go too into detail on their story as I wouldn’t want to spoil it for anyone who might hear them speak in the future, but if you haven’t ever heard of them...look them up!

They are inspirational on so many levels, both to teens and adults. It doesn’t matter what age you are, what they talk about hits home. I found myself nodding and crying and thinking about my own childhood and the pain and struggles I went through and also looking at my husband and our marriage in a new light.

So many times in life we keep repeating the same mistakes over and over out of pain and fear, without even realizing what we are doing. Rick and Barb in talking about their own struggles help the audience to step back and take a hard look at their lives and how they might be contributing to the situation they find themselves in.

Last year was their first visit to Alaska and they fell in love with both the land and the teens. As soon as they went home they began planning for the next year so that they could continue to reach the youth up here. Normally they charge a speaking fee but they offered to come and speak free of charge. That is how dedicated they are to the kids they met here.

Through the whole five day long conference I watched as both Barb and Rick spoke with many of the teens one on one, joked with them, played with them, and cried with them. To see two people who are so dedicated to making the lives of our youth better was truly inspiring for me.

If you are interested in learning more about their story you can go to their web site at www.wise-choices.org.

If you would like to be more involved in making a better future for teens today, visit our website to see how you can help. Whether you are a parent, a teacher, a teen, a coach, or just someone in the community who has a heart to help, you are needed!

www.fbxstepupnow.com

Escape Conference 2010

Teens, sunshine, a lake, and lots of fun. That is what we enjoyed at this year’s Escape Youth Conference. This was our second year at Escape and all 13 of the teens who came say that they can’t wait for next year.

Let’s Talk of Anchorage invited youth from all over the state of Alaska to participate in a conference that was geared toward teaching life skills to avoid risks such as premarital sex, alcohol, drugs and violence. We were lucky enough to listen to national speakers such as Rick and Barb Wise and the music of Los 1.

The impact of the conference was easy to see as teens broke down in sessions to tell heart breaking stories of abuse, and betrayal in their lives. They spoke of how the time they spent at Escape was changing the way they thought about their lives and the people around them.

Not all of it was heavy though, with a beautiful lake side camp we had lots of fun playing Capture the Flag, Alka-Seltzer Tag, doing scavenger hunts and swimming. The staff at Let’s Talk put on skits that had kids rolling in the aisles and we even did a talent show the last evening.

The teens we brought from Fairbanks not only had a great time meeting new friends from all over the state, but also had a chance to get to know each other, as many of our group had never met. Now they have new friends they can continue to get to know in their own town.

We here at Step Up Now were happy to partner with Let’s Talk to make this conference happen. We hope to take an even larger group next year and have the Fairbanks youth be the biggest one there. If you would like to join us next year...let us know!

Contact: sam@aksunspot.com

Step Up Now - How we have grown!

When I look at our program today I am so excited to see all the milestones we have passed and all the change that happens on a day to day basis.

I started working for Step Up Now last March, sharing a cramped office and dreaming about our new office space that was being renovated. Now I sit in a spacious office, right next to a huge teen friendly center complete with it’s own soon to be coffee bar.

But more than the physical facility improvements, we have seen some exciting growth in the number of youth that we reach with our message of healthy relationship choices. The first year of our grant we presented to a total 990 youth and this year we are only 6 months into our grant year and so far we have presented to approximately 1,652 youth.

More and more schools are allowing us to come in and present to health classes and we have even branched out and done presentations in English classes including doing an Abstinence Debate with a senior debate class at North Pole High.

For the debate the teacher, Liz Coghill, gave her students two weeks to research their argument which was to be pro-sex before marriage, then I would come and argue the abstinence side. Just during the research time many students came to Ms. Coghill and asked if they could switch sides because it was difficult to find arguments that proved sex outside of marriage was healthy.

On the day of the debate, I was very nervous as I was going against an entire class. But thanks to my co-workers who helped me prepare by doing a mock debate with me, it went great. By the end of the class period the opposition was completely silent. One student even said “I can’t even make fun of you.” He told me that my argument completely changed his mind about sex before marriage and that he was going to get tested for STD’s. I saw him two weeks later in the hallway and when I asked him what he was doing, he put his fist in the air proudly displaying our bracelet and said “I’m being abstinent!”

Our mentoring program is also changing lives not only of all the junior high students we meet with in our after school programs, but of our peer mentors as well. One wonderful young lady we have as a volunteer told us that our program and what she has learned here has completely changed her life. She now urges her friends to change their own lives and frequently brings them to our center to have them learn all the skills and statistics that she has learned.

Everyday we see our impact on the youth we work with, and it truly is an incentive to keep moving forward.

Spice - Herbal or Harmful?

If you tend to think of garlic powder or thyme when you hear the word “spice” you aren’t the only one, but unfortunately that might not be what your teen thinks of. Spice is a new “herbal” drug that is on the market and is readily available in the U.S. So what is this spice all about? Allow me to explain.

Spice is a mixture of herbs that has been sold in Europe and Canada since 2002 as an incense as well as over the internet as an “herbal smoking blend”. It is supposed to offer cannabis-like effects slightly more subtle than marijuana.

The manufacturers claim that the ingredients are all natural herbs and are harmless, but some independent laboratories have analyzed the product and found no traces of the herbs listed on the package, instead they find 1,1-dimethyloctyl homologue of the substance CP 47,497 which is a synthetic substance that is similar to the active ingredient in cannabis. A German laboratory has stated that this synthetic ingredient makes smoking a package of spice comparable to smoking an entire pack of cigarettes.

As for the high that is attained by smoking spice, that is a whole other issue. Some state that smoking spice makes colors, sounds, patterns and textures more heightened to the senses as well as offering a feeling of calm relaxation without the paranoia that pot can offer. So what is the harm?

Well in Indiana where this drug can be legally bought and sold, although it is illegal to smoke it (the jars are stamped with the slogan: not for human consumption) hospitals have been dealing with patients coming in and complaining of the following side effects:

• anxiety
• pale skin
• numbness and tingling
• rapid pulse (110-150 beats/minute)
• elevated blood pressure (140-160/100-110 mmHg)
• vomiting
• agitation
• hallucination
• drowsiness
• slurred speech
• dilated pupils
• low potassium levels
• eye swelling, tremors and seizures

But possibly the biggest concern with the spice drug is that since it is not manufactured here in the U.S. there is no regulation or inspection of the ingredients. We can’t control how much of these synthetic drugs are in it, and since these synthetic drugs are new there is no research on the long term effects.

The bottom line is that this so-called alternative to marijuana can be very dangerous and unfortunately even though it has been “banned” in the U.S. for human consumption you can still purchase it both online and in pipe and tobacco stores as an “incense”. Drug tests do not look for this type of drug as it is so new and very hard to trace.

You may need to sit down with your teen and ask them if they have heard of this drug and what they think about it. Do some research and list out all the dangers that are involved in smoking spice and have an open and honest conversation with your teen about your expectations for them.

Remember, your kids do listen to you and you are the biggest influence they have in their lives. Use it wisely.

We all know that it can be very dangerous for teens to experiment with alcohol, but it may have more effects than most parents think about. SADD reports: Three out of every four students (75%) have consumed alcohol (more than just a few sips) by the end of high school.

That means that this is an issue we all need to be aware of. Not only can alcohol impair judgment and dull reflexes but it can also help to lower inhibitions to an alarming level. Statistics from a CASA Report (Court Appointed Special Advocacy Association) found that teenagers who have been drinking are seven times more likely to have sex than those who are sober. If your teen’s intention is to wait until marriage to have sex then this is an issue that could completely sidetrack their goals.

Many parents set high expectations for their children in so many areas of their lives such as grades, no drug use, no traffic violations, and waiting for sex, but they think nothing of their teen attending a party where there will be beer or other forms of alcohol. The truth is that alcohol can be very damaging, not only to your teen’s body, but to their goals and aspirations for their lives.

If you want your teen to succeed and not have to deal with harmful consequences, put your foot down when it comes to underage drinking.

Summer is here; do you know where your teen is?

Here in Fairbanks we have some of the most beautiful summers in the world. (That is, as long as it isn’t smoky, or rainy all summer.) But while we may cherish our midnight sun, there are some problems that can go along with it, especially if you have a teenage son or daughter.

Many Fairbanks families try to pack so much activity into the summer time that it seems to fly by way too fast and this can really put stress on a family. With soccer practice, football, camping, fishing, and hunting, teens can feel overwhelmed and they can also feel cut off from their friends.

Some parents will compensate for this by allowing their teen to basically be out all night. The fact that the sun is still up may trick us into thinking that there isn’t any harm in our teen being out at three in the morning...after all, there is still daylight!

This can be very dangerous. Remember in our last newsletter I mentioned that a Harvard University study showed that 25% of people driving between 1am and 3am have been drinking. Also, if you are working with your teen to help them reach their goal of waiting to have sex before marriage, then having them out completely unsupervised can be very dangerous.

Most parents would simply say that they trust their child and he/she would never get into trouble. Well the truth is that even the “best” kids sometimes make bad decisions that can have life altering affects.

The best way to protect our teens is to be an involved parent. Set limits for them and follow through with consequences if the limits are crossed. Our teens want and need discipline and will actually respect a parent more for setting rules and boundaries for them. It seems that many parents today are caught up with the idea that they need to be their child’s friend. This is not healthy! Your child has many friends. What they need is a parent! Step up and set higher standards for your child…they may surprise you.

And they call it puppy love.

Have you heard this before: “But Mom, I love him,”? And have you given in to the temptation to roll your eyes in disbelief? I think that as parents we all fall into dismissing our teens feelings out of hand. We have good reason to doubt the depth of their feelings, last week she may have loved someone else, and hated this particular boy. But the one thing that we need to avoid is making our teens feel like we don’t believe them, or don’t understand them. We all want to be validated in life, so we need to offer that to our
children as well.

The key is to let your son or daughter know that you understand what they are going through, and that for teens these emotions seem to be amplified until they overshadow everything else that is going on in their lives. The reason for this is that the teen brain is not finished maturing and developing until they are in their middle twenties. The part of their brain that they do the most of their reasoning in is actually the part of the brain that feels emotion. Teens don’t necessarily think something through, they feel something through.

You also don’t necessarily want to go too far the other way and indulge your teen into thinking this relationship is the major focus of their lives. A balance needs to be struck on validating your teen yet not over indulging them. Remember, you were young once too, and wanted to be respected. So make sure you show the same respect to your teen.

How dating savvy are you?

1. At what age would you let your teen start dating?

a. Possibly when they are 35. Possibly.

b. When they show maturity in other aspects of their lives and I feel like they can handle a relationship.

c. They’ve been dating since kindergarten.

2. What are your expectations of your teen’s boyfriend/girlfriend?

a. I have them do a thorough background check including credit and any criminal record.

b. That they hold the same
values and goals that are important to my family.

c. That they show up and have a pulse.

3. Do you insist on meeting your teen’s date before they go out?

a. Yes, we do a lie detector test as an ice breaker.

b. Yes, I like to have them in for an informal get to know you.

c. Nah...they usually just honk from the curb and my kid goes running.

4. Do you know where your teens go on their dates?

a. Yes...I go with them.

b. Yes, I always make sure to know their plans ahead of time.

c. No, they’re out the door
before I even think to ask.

5. Do you wait up for your teen?

a. I just said I was on the date with them, we are home by 8:30 so they can get proper rest.

b. Yes, no matter how tired I am I like to talk with them about how their evening went.

c. I have no idea what time they get in, I’m usually asleep.

6. Have you spoken with your teen about setting boundaries?

a. Of course, they aren’t even allowed to hold hands, and I make sure they stick to it!

b. Yes, we sat down and talked about what limits they should set. I advised them but they picked their own boundaries.

c. Too awkward, they’ll figure it out on their own.

7. Have you talked to your kids about abstinence?

a. Absolutely, in fact I’m
looking into chastity belts online.

b. Yes, I’ve made sure they know that I expect them to wait to have sex until they are married.

c. I’ve mentioned it, but I also told them that if they couldn’t wait to make sure they use protection.

8. If you are single yourself, are you practicing healthy dating habits of your own?

a. I wouldn’t even think about dating until my child has finished college.

b. Yes, I make sure my first priority is my child, but I am looking for a healthy relationship and do practice
abstinence myself.

c. Sure! I date all the time and always make sure my date pays!

9. Does your teen feel comfortable in coming to you with any dating questions or problems?

a. Of course, I am a very understanding person!! Why do you ask? Did they say something?

b. We talk a lot. I try to make it very easy for them to come to me.

c. I hardly ever see my teen, let alone talk to them!

Answers:

If you answered mostly A’s:

You may need to scale back a bit as there is a fine line between attentive parent and overbearing jailor. You definitely take an interest in your child’s life, but may need to help empower them to make some of their own decisions.

If you answered mostly B’s:

You are a well rounded parent who keeps a good balance between being an authority figure and letting your child learn how to be independent. You do a great job of keeping the lines of communication open while still establishing trust.

If you answered mostly C’s:

You may need to do a little more active parenting in order to help your teen navigate the tricky waters of dating. Remember, your teen is new to all this and can really use your insight and advice. You also might want to try to look at your own dating life to make sure you are setting a good example.